I Guess the End Does Justify the Means

My ideal life style is to work in a successful and reputable corporation and to attend sport games. Specifically, I dream about working on the East coast and going to a Boston Red Sox game at Fenway Park. In elementary I would read on-line biographies about successful business managers in Boston or New York and wonder how to follow their steps. The more I read, the more I realized credentials are important. The more I realized credentials are important, the more I focused only on results—such as getting high marks and winning awards. After all, these biographies never told me how these managers enrolled into top universites. They just told me that they excelled and later became millionaires before turning 30 years old. Unbeknownst to myself, reading the biographies has convinced me that I need to become a successful businessman. As a result, I have developed a fear—the fear of losing and of failing.

This fear of losing and failing started when marks became a part of my life; they play an important part in college admission. If dragged down by low marks, I have no way of getting into my desired university on the East Coast. As a result, I won’t be able to live and enjoy my desired life. To rid myself of the horror, I read more biographies. The more success stories I read, the more I ensure myself that I, too, can be one of them. However, I am wrong.

Although mentally secure, I have adjusted my own actions to only aim at the outcome. I don’t care about how I got an ‘A’; I just care about getting an ‘A’,, as long as I don’t lose. As a keen baseball fan, I have come to realize that winning or losing depends on the number of runs a team scores, but not the number of base hits a team smacks. In using that model, everything I have done is for the result. Bleakly put, it can be considered a means to an end. Doing school work effectively is to get high marks for university application. Playing piano is an extra-curricular activity for university application. Attending university leads a well-paying job. Ultimately, getting a well-paying job is to become rich for the relaxing life style of watching baseball games.

I have imagined such a beautiful life to lead, but I am not certain if I can lead it. I panic; I cringe; I fear. To rid myself of the horror, I rush through all my work and pretend everything is fine. I forget the process, and only care about the result. One example was in English 8. While interpreting quotes from The Diary of Anne Frank, I wanted to prove to the entire class that I was the smartest by writing the fastest. I hastily wrote down a few but meaningless sentences and handed it in, wishing to find out my mark faster by distinctly handing it in first. Everyone got it back at the same time though. The only distinction was my mark—the lowest in the class.

In conclusion, I have developed a fear of losing. I constantly need to hurry, to compete, and to succeed. In the midst of all this, I have allowed my narrow thoughts, purely focused on the results, to spread like a malignant tumour. And like a malignant tumour, I don’t know how to cure it. How I fear this fear...